I have attempted numerous times to update the blog but its just been too hard lately. I remember when I first started this new blog and Bonnie calling to tell me how happy she was that I was doing this again. And then she read every single entry I made. She told me on one of her and Jim's trips while in Houston, she laid in the back seat to be comfortable and read the entries aloud to Jim and they both laughed.
While it made me feel so great to know how much she enjoyed reading about our little family and her precious grand babies, it saddens me so much to know I no longer have her checking my blog.
Bonnie Marie Schmittendorf lost her battle to Leukemia on March 1, 2012. After 14 months of being sick, of being poked and prodded, of numerous doctors, blood vials, platelets, blood transfusions, lengthy hospital stays, pain, discomfort and even a stem cell transplant, of fighting a fight that only she could fight, Bonnie is no longer dealing with any of these incredibly unfair things. And while I am overjoyed that she is now pain free, the void of not having her with us on this Earth will never ever be filled.
I remember when I first met Bonnie. I can't remember the month but it was summer of 1997. Jamie brought me home to Arkansas to meet his family and attend his fathers retirement ceremony. She never made me feel like a stranger. She welcomed me into her home that day and every day after for the next 15 years. I remember her telling me how sad she thought it was that I lost my mom at such a young age. I know that is why she stepped up and played the role of "mom" for our wedding that next Summer. She helped in so many ways and had a huge influence on all of our decisions. Just as a mom should.
She stepped up in many situations over the years. And she influenced many decisions in our lives. She was always there when we needed her and she always went above and beyond. She was more than a mother in law to me. And I am so incredibly grateful I was given the opportunity to have her in my life.
We are moving on with life, just as Bonnie would want. Faith and Caleb are deeply saddened by the loss of their grandmother and are all too aware that they now have no living grandmothers. My incredibly smart and thoughtful son was the one who asked me if I thought my mom would be there to greet Bonnie. I'm sure my mom and Bonnie will have a lot to talk about. And I'm sure my mom will embrace Bonnie and thank her for taking such good care of me and her grandchildren.
There is no way to ease the pain. Time will make it better. But its such a hard fact to grasp and understand that we will never be able to have her with us again.
We will miss Bonnie. And she will always be our children's Mimi. And Ashley will always have Bonnie's name to carry on with her. And we will all have our memories to hold close to our hearts and to share with those less fortunate to not be able to know Bonnie.
We will move on with our lives. Our moms would tell us to do so. Bonnie did. I remember in January, she took Jamie's hand and told him its okay to be sad but not to be overcome with grief. She said grief could take over a person and she wanted everyone to be happy. She told him it was okay to be sad for a little bit but to move on. She told us all that it would be okay. And it will be.
But it will never be the same again.
