Faith starts Kindergarten

These two really made me an emotional wreck this week. Faith started Kindergarten and Caleb started Middle School.

I really don't know how this happened. I had so many thoughts running through my mind this week. I wasn't very good at verbalizing what I was feeling so I just cried. A lot.

Five years ago this month, we were told that our little baby had a congenital heart defect and that she would need surgery immediately to ensure her survival. We were told the prognosis was unknown. We were told that it was a very rare condition. We were told all sorts of horrifying things that parents of a 4 month old baby don't want to be told.
We prepared for her first heart catherization and we prayed. A lot.

Fast forward 5 years and here we are. With this baby. Sending her off to Kindergarten.

She's healthy, happy, and normal. Well, as normal as she can be with the genes she has.  But she is here and she is not sick. She is not struggling at all. She is fabulous.

Talk about picking out the perfect name for your kid. We hit the nail on the head with this one.


So, I've cried a lot this week. Most people see me bawling and probably think I'm a crazy mom who just wants to shelter her kids and not let them venture into the world. I am. But I am also a mom who is crazy happy that this child is able to venture out into the world. I'm crying because I'm happy. They are mainly happy tears. Tears for what I know this child will accomplish and tears for what I know lies ahead of her. And I see nothing but wonderful things for her.

For all my children. They are all miracles, aren't they?

Caleb is two days in and loving it. (fingers and toes crossed things stay that way!) And Faith is asking me when she can go full day and eat lunch at school. No tears from my kids.

Now it's just Ashley and I from 8:50 until 11:50. Three full hours of just one kid. Jamie pointed out all the things I might be able to accomplish during that time. Yep. I see lots of storytimes, park play, building and discovering in our future. I'm excited and so blessed to have one on one time with Ashley now. All my kids have had this and I'm so happy that its worked out this way! So thankful.

It's been an emotional week. I'm now the mom of a Middle Schooler preteen, a Kindergartner and a toddler. But the best part is that I'm THEIR mom. And they are MY kids.

Life really is precious and it really is amazing. 

Ashley is 18 months

I have no idea how that happened. Seriously. Just yesterday I found out that we were going to have a third baby and was completely dumbfounded and deliriously happy.
Now she is a walking, talking, singing, climbing, jumping, running happy little baby girl.

We had her 18 month appointment today and she is such a healthy one. By healthy, of course, I mean huge. She weighed in at 28 lbs 4 ounces and 33 1/4" tall. Well, I guess she isn't as huge as she once was. She is on the charts which is not at all what I'm accustomed to with her big bro and sis.

The nurse gave her one shot today. I gave Ashley a big bear hug while the nurse sneaked in and gave her the shot very quickly. Ash let out an enormous scream and then said "OH NO! Boo boo" and then the nurse covered the area with a band-aid and Ash said "Thank you."
It was so sad and so sweet. Of course I got teary like I always do when my kiddos are given shots. But she sure made me laugh. She makes us all laugh!

She has a nasty summer cold and has been sneezing, coughing and dealing with watery eyes all day. Poor baby. She sneezed earlier this afternoon and ran to the laundry room. I followed her but she was coming out by the time I got there. Later, she did this again. It was then that I realized she was wiping her snotty nose on the dirty clothes in the laundry room. Genius.

Happy 18th months, Ashley Marie. We love you,  you smart little girl. But you'll always be my baby.

Blogging isn't working

Alright... I tried to come back and blog like I used to and keep everyone up to date on our family. It isn't working.
Having three kids sucks so much energy out of me and what energy is left, is spent on trying to remember what I was planning on doing next. And chances are, I will only remember what I was going to do next just after I finally lay down for the night only delaying that much needed sleep even more.
Some people call it pregnancy brain but what do we call it when there is no longer a life form growing in your belly but rather in your home?

So... a quick update.

Summer has been a ton of fun so far.

Jamie, Caleb, Pops and Colin all took an 8 day trip to Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, Mt Rushmore and a million other places along the way. They made some amazing memories and saw some places that some people never see in a lifetime.
The girls and I stayed home so that they could make this trip with less bathroom breaks, whining, screaming and tantrums.
And I wasn't sure how the girls would handle it either.

Caleb then set off for a 10 day excursion to Boy Scout camp. That was hard. I mean, really hard. I dropped him off at 8am on a Monday morning with a large group of boys with some adult leaders. We saw him again 7 days later for Visitors day at camp. He did great and had a ball. I struggled every second he was gone. Mother's aren't supposed to just turn their children free like that. I missed him terribly.
And then he came home and within 24 hours I was looking at the calendar trying to determine when the next camping trip was. I think the next one will be easier. Or maybe not....

Faith has done a LOT of swimming this summer. A LOT. This girl is like a fish. Well, a mermaid, according to her.  She's tall enough to go down the ginormous slides at our community pool this year. This girl, the one with the heart condition, lugs an inner tube up three flights of stairs all the way to the top of the slide, slides down and lugs that tube right back up. Smiling all the way.
She sure knows how to enjoy life!

Ashley is a little fish too. But she has some crazy in her as well. Well, they all do. But her crazy is peeking through earlier than Caleb and Faith's did. She still likes to be right ON me so being at the pool has been rather easy this year. I'm sure next year will be different.

Ashley will be 18 months on the 19th. THAT's CRAZY! Eighteen months.
She walks, runs, JUMPS, slides down the stairs (that's fun to watch!), climbs on everything, sings "Rock a Bye Baby" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider", loves to read books, loves to empty all my cabinets, loves to scream, and loves LOVES to tease her sister.
She has a ton of words too. Mommy, daddy, Shoe (sounds like Ssssssss, but it still counts!), please, thank you, go, get, bad dog (glad that wasn't damn dog!), good dog, night night, Bubba, Bust (assuming this is for Buster the bad dog), side, and several more I know I'm missing. She babbles constantly! I love her sweet little voice.
She is a good baby.

Now we are six weeks away from school starting. Caleb starts middle school on August 22nd and Faith starts Kindergarten on the 23rd. Not sure what I'm going to do. How is my little girl starting Kindergarten?? How is my BABY starting middle school??

Jamie and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage on the 11th. I remember our wedding day like it was yesterday. I can honestly say that I don't love him like I did on that day though. While I loved him then, things have definitely changed. We have grown up, gotten older and wiser. And we now have three children. Growing with him, having babies with him, learning this parenting thing with him, I can without a doubt say that I do love him so much more 14 years later than I did on that day. I didn't know that would be possible. But when you see the man you love hold your first child together, play horsey with all three kids on back, be a parent.... something changes. That love grows. And my love for him did grow. And its still growing. I can't wait to see what the next 14 years brings. I'm excited about our next chapter of life. I'm so happy that fate worked the way it did and he and I ended up together.

So that is it for now. A little update. I'm not going to say I'll do better because I probably won't. But we're all here and we're doing great. Life is amazing. We miss those who aren't with us but know that they are watching over us.
For those who remember the story about Janie coming to pray with us before Faith's 1st heart cath, you'll like this. Faith had some issues earlier in the week (all is fine now) and we ended up in the ER. Faith was scared and not well. The nurse came in to take some blood and help get her situated. She introduced herself. I wasn't sure I heard her correctly so I took a peek at her name tag. Sure enough... Mimi. Faith had the biggest grin on her face at that point. So Mimi got us through the first few hours of that visit and I knew things would be okay. And they were okay. Everything is just great.

Life is good.

Faith is five

Four days ago our baby girl turned 5. A whole hand. She thinks she is pretty big now and gets quite upset if we refer to her as a four year old. She is full or attitude and sass. Hard to believe that its been five year since this miracle entered our lives. I remember being pregnant with her and after such a long wait and so many fertility issues, it all seemed so surreal. I would sit and just stare at my pregnant belly at my desk while at work. I would often sit as still as I could so I could feel every movement. I relished every single thing of the life growing inside. And now she is five.
I also remember when we first learned of her heart condition and the terror we felt. I remember the uncertainty in the doctors words and the fear we felt with every second of every day.
And now she is five.

And she is a normal five year old. She runs and plays and jumps and skips and rides bikes and laughs and cries and whines and fights with her older brother and argues with her parents and throws a little attitude around in most every thing she does. She's normal.
And she's amazing.

I'm so thankful she is our daughter.

Moving on with life

I have attempted numerous times to update the blog but its just been too hard lately. I remember when I first started this new blog and Bonnie calling to tell me how happy she was that I was doing this again. And then she read every single entry I made. She told me on one of her and Jim's trips while in Houston, she laid in the back seat to be comfortable and read the entries aloud to Jim and they both laughed.
While it made me feel so great to know how much she enjoyed reading about our little family and her precious grand babies, it saddens me so much to know I no longer have her checking my blog.

Bonnie Marie Schmittendorf lost her battle to Leukemia on March 1, 2012. After 14 months of being sick, of being poked and prodded,  of numerous doctors, blood vials, platelets, blood transfusions, lengthy hospital stays, pain, discomfort and even a stem cell transplant, of fighting a fight that only she could fight, Bonnie is no longer dealing with any of these incredibly unfair things. And while I am overjoyed that she is now pain free, the void of not having her with us on this Earth will never ever be filled.

I remember when I first met Bonnie. I can't remember the month but it was summer of 1997. Jamie brought me home to Arkansas to meet his family and attend his fathers retirement ceremony. She never made me feel like a stranger. She welcomed me into her home that day and every day after for the next 15 years. I remember her telling me how sad she  thought it was that I lost my mom at such a young age. I know that is why she stepped up and played the role of "mom" for our wedding that next Summer. She helped in so many ways and had a huge influence on all of our decisions. Just as a mom should.
She stepped up in many situations over the years. And she influenced many decisions in our lives. She was always there when we needed her and she always went above and beyond. She was more than a mother in law to me. And I am so incredibly grateful I was given the opportunity to have her in my life.

We are moving on with life, just as Bonnie would want. Faith and Caleb are deeply saddened by the loss of their grandmother and are all too aware that they now have no living grandmothers. My incredibly smart and thoughtful son was the one who asked me if I thought my mom would be there to greet Bonnie. I'm sure my mom and Bonnie will have a lot to talk about. And I'm sure my mom will embrace Bonnie and thank her for taking such good care of me and her grandchildren.
There is no way to ease the pain. Time will make it better. But its such a hard fact to grasp and understand that we will never be able to have her with us again.
We will miss Bonnie. And she will always be our children's Mimi. And Ashley will always have Bonnie's name to carry on with her. And we will all have our memories to hold close to our hearts and to share with those less fortunate to not be able to know Bonnie.

We will move on with our lives. Our moms would tell us to do so. Bonnie did. I remember in January, she took Jamie's hand and told him its okay to be sad but not to be overcome with grief. She said grief could take over a person and she wanted everyone to be happy. She told him it was okay to be sad for a little bit but to move on. She told us all that it would be okay. And it will be.

But it will never be the same again.

Things that make me laugh

It's been a rough couple of months here. It's so hard having so much happening that you can't control and are too far away from to even help if you could. Hard is kind of an understatement, actually. Infuriating, frustrating, overwhelming, sad and terrifying are other words I could use to express our feelings.

Luckily, we have these kids to keep us busy and grounded. And make us laugh. Here are a few things that has made us laugh just this week.

My favorite was the other night when I made baked Ziti. Faith saw it and says, "Ewww. Do I have to eat that?" I replied with a stern yes and she paused before saying "If you make me chicken nuggets, I will bow down to you and call you Princess."
As tempting as this offer was, I declined. When I repeated this story to Jamie later, she said that since I didn't let her eat nuggets, I was now the Evil Queen. At least I was upgraded to Queen. 

Then there was the incident on Monday evening when Faith told me her penis hurt. I explained that she does not have a penis but she has a vagina. It wasn't until later, when I told her she was stinky and needed a bath that she told me that this is the reason she doesn't like vaginas... they are stinky.

Okay. So turns out those are the only two I can think of for this week. But they sure made us laugh. And we needed to laugh!
Laughter is the best medicine, right?

Here are some other things that make me smile.

One year checkups, heart caths and other fun stuff.

I've not been so great about keeping up on here. Sorry about that. It's not that we haven't had things going on because we have had so much going on that it could make your head explode if I went in to it all. Mine almost has.
But we are good. And things are calming down a bit.

First of all, Ashley had her 1 year check up and is perfect. (we suspected as much though!) She weighed in at 24 lbs and 13 ounces and is 30 1/2 inches tall. Still shorter than the other two at this point, but not by much. I think she will be short and fat like her momma.
She is such a sweet baby. She's a perfect mix of both Caleb and Faith. Has a great amount of dare devil in her and is super sensitive and sweet. I still can't believe its been a year.

Faith also had her heart cath on Valentines Day. To say we were nervous for this would be a bit of an understatement. It's never easy to see your child in any amount of discomfort and its certainly not easy to hand them over to someone else and just be left hoping all turns out alright. Fortunately, all did turn out alright. We even learned that her holes have gotten significantly smaller and are no longer considered to be an issue. She does have Ventricular Non Compaction and that isn't going away (unfortunately). But she is still stable and handling this completely well. We will continue with her cardiologist checkup and she will wear a holter monitor every six months to check up on things. But the doctor said he sees no reason why she won't be able to live a fairly normal "long" life.
You have no idea how amazing that was to hear.
There are still a lot of unknowns and of course, no guarantees. But that's how life is. No guarantees and a whole lot of unknowns.

Which brings me to Bonnie.
Sweet Bonnie. She is home with Jim and resting comfortably. She is becoming weaker each day and its harder and harder for her to talk. She called Jamie Friday night to talk and was feeling great. She called him! It just so happened that we had a house full of people for a Scout party. So he kept it really short. But she told him he loved her and he told her he loved her. Thank God for those precious words. It seems as if over night she dramatically went downhill. She hasn't really been able to talk since.
While we continue to pray for some sort of miracle, we also pray that she continues to have no pain and that God takes care of her. Its so hard to understand why things like this happen. Its so unfair and its so easy to be angry. I know I carried a lot of anger for many years about losing my mom. But then I realize that its all part of a plan that we will one day understand. While I miss my mom each and every day, I know that with that tragic loss, I became the person I am today.
While anger is the easiest emotion to feel, we are choosing to be thankful for God loaning Bonnie to us. I know I'm thankful that I had her in my life for these past 16 years. And I'm thankful she raised such an amazing man to be my husband.

It's not an easy time right now. It's hard to find the right words to help Jamie through this and I often find myself feeling like an outsider looking in on a family struggling through such pain and sorrow. But I know we will find ourselves on the other side of this and there will be good times ahead. For now, we are loving Bonnie and praying for her to be pain free and comfortable. And being thankful for every day with her.

My funny Caleb

So we found ourselves sitting in the orthopedic doctors office this morning. Caleb has once again managed to hurt his arm. We made it 9 years before ever having a broken bone. Now I guess its a yearly deal. Geesh.

Anyway.... on the way to the doctors office Caleb was telling me how he thinks he wants to be a doctor. He says doctors make a lot of money so he is pretty sure that is what he would like to do. He asked how long he would have to go to college and which college. After covering all those logistics, he asked me how much money college costs. I told him it was a lot of money and left it at that. But I emphasized how if he worked hard he could get an academic or athletic scholarship.

After the dr looked at Caleb's arm and determines that its a possible scaphoid fracture, she tells us that the best bet is to wear a splint for two weeks and reexamine before casting. This will save us the inconvenience of casting if its not a true fracture and it will save us the expense of the cast.
After she left the room, Caleb asked me how much a cast cost. I told him it was a lot of money.

After a moment of silence, my big 10 (almost 11 :'( ) year old looks at me and says, "Did you think this through before having 3 kids? Did you realize that college cost a lot of money? Did you know about casts and stuff like that?"
I laughed a bit and said that I knew kids were expensive but that they were worth every penny.

Then he says "I bet you wish you were a doctor"


On the way out of the office, we saw a garbage truck backed up to the building loading dumpsters onto the lift. His eyes lit up and he froze in amazement. He stared as the lift went up over the hood of the truck and dumped  the contents of the dumpsters into the back of the garbage truck. He then looks at me and say "Now THAT is cool. Maybe I want to do that when I grow up!"

And all my hopes of living a comfortable retirement in the basement of my eldest childs mansion floated away....
I love my kids.

My new favorite toy

After almost 11 years of having a child in my home, I have just now discovered my most favorite obsession. A few weeks ago, my tech savy hubby bought me a video monitor. I wasn't too excited about it simply because it wasn't a necessity.
But now that I have it, I can not live without it. Ever.
I have spent more time than I'm willing to admit just staring at this monitor watching my babies sleep. That's right, babies. I have two recievers so we put one in Ashley's room and one in Faith's. I can switch from room to room and stare at them sleeping. Or I can watch them on a split screen. Or I can set it to automatically switch every 10 seconds.

That's right. I love it.

I have learned that Ashley moves like a crazy baby in her sleep and most of her noises that make me get up with her during the night, are just noises. And I have been getting up with her a lot less. I have also learned that Faith randomly sits up in her sleep, with her eyes open and just looks around. Let me tell you how creepy that looks at 2am.
I also learned that this is a handy little device to have when BOTH girls have the stomach flu. As fun as that experience was, I certainly hope we never do that again. But the video monitor was priceless that night.
And it was priceless when we put Faith to bed the other night and about 10 minutes later, she waved directly at the reciever. I love that girl.

We have plans in the works to leave both girls with friends this weekend. This was supposed to happen last weekend but then that stomach flu saga struck. So attempt #2 is coming up and as much as I'm tryin to not think about it, its all I can think about. Jamie, Caleb and I are going to go spend some time with Bonnie and give her some hugs and love. She is home from Houston after learning her Leukemia has returned. This sad, unexpected news hit everyone rather hard. It really makes you stop and realize just how precious life is. And how precious the people in our lives are. We have learned so much from Bonnie's battle this past year and are overwhelmed with emotions in regards to her strength, endurance and willpower. She is quite a lady. And I am so overjoyed that I have had her as my other mom for almost 16 years now. She has been so many things to our family and so many things to me. We are looking forward to spending time with her and praying she continues to feel well.
But I'm nervous about leaving my girls. Nervous and excited. And a bit guilt struck. I will be sending the video monitor with them. I love my friends who will have the girls. And I trust them wholeheartedly. Obviously, or I wouldn't be leaving my children with them. (those who know me, know I don't leave my kids. They are either with Jamie or myself) But these women are an exception and I trust them. I know my girls will be loved and cared for. I wonder if they will stare at the video monitor like I do. Probably not.
It really is a strange habit to have developed this late in parenting. I should maybe work on developing a hobby.

Dear Ashley Marie...

On your very 1st birthday, sweet Ashley, I want to tell you what an amazing blessing you are to our family. You are the perfect baby to complete our family. You make us laugh, you make us smile and you make mommy forget how exhausting you are. Sometimes.
A year ago today, I held my second daughter in my arms with your daddy, your big brother and your big sister at my side. It's moments like this that make a person realize that life is such a fabulous gift and that a baby is such a miracle. It's moments like this that make a mother realize that there is so much love for each and every child and that a heart can actually ache with pride and love. It's moments like this that make a mother want to freeze time and keep that baby in her arms forever.

I so wish I could freeze time.

But I can not. And here you are today, a year old. You are walking with bursts of running. You are babbling, screaming and saying the cutest gibberish. You say up, mama and dada. You also say "ass" but we like to think you are trying to say Ashley.
Your big brother adores you in a way that melts my heart. His face lights up when he sees you and is forced to grab and hug you. You object at times but he never stops attempting. Your sister is so in love with her living baby doll. She tries so hard to get you to cooperate with her every whim but you are just as stubborn and free-spirited as she is.

You eat everything. Everything. Including paper. And you are a decent napper and a decent sleeper. I wish you slept better at night but I know you will eventually. Just as you will continue to grow.

I am so thankful to be your mother. I'm so thankful to have Caleb, Faith and you. I believe I was given each of you for very specific reasons and I believe you all came to us in a very planned order. I thank God for his wisdom in knowing best what our family needed.
I thank God for you, Ashley Marie.

Happy Birthday, baby girl. I love you.

January already

Well, we are actually a bit closer to February.
I haven't posted in a while... lets see.

We took a 16 1/2 hour trip to Alabama to visit Mimi and Pops. Most worthwhile drive ever. We did learn that Faith gets carsick. And we learned that by giving both kids full doses of Dramamine, they sleep quite awhile.
It was a nice visit, but discouraging too. Mimi ended up heading back to Houston. Jamie, his dad and his sister drove her back to Houston the Friday after New Years. That was another 14 hour drive. Then Jamie flew to Atlanta where the kids and I had driven (4 hours) to meet him. We then ventured back home a faster route taking only 14 hours.
BUT.. Bonnie is back in Houston where she is being treated for a staph infection that developed in her PICC line, a UTI and another infection that I can't remember the name of. She is improving but very slowly. We are praying so hard that she returns from Houston soon and we can plan another trip to see her when she is feeling well again. It was so hard for us all to see her in such pain and discomfort. We want her to feel well and want to do anything possible to achieve that.
I hate cancer. All cancer.

On another note, we are preparing for Ashley's 1st birthday party. She turns one this Thursday, the 19th and her party is Saturday. Seriously. How did this happen??!! This time a year ago I was waddling around and had completely given up on ever having this child. I was confident she was going to live within the walls of my womb forever. Thank goodness that didn't happen. She is such a joy! And such a little stinker. We joke saying she is a girl Caleb but it's true. If it can be climbed, she'll climb it. If it can be pushed, she'll push it. If it can be thrown, she'll throw it. She's exhausting. But perfect.

We are also preparing for Faith's upcoming heart cath. Preop on February 13th and surgery on the 14th. We are talking with her pretty openly about this. She doesn't seem scared at all. Her only concern was having this after Ashley's party. Girl doesn't want to miss a party. 

I hope to get back in a routine soon. We've been home for a bit now but it was such a mentally exhausting trip that has left us with great worry for Bonnie. Which reminds me... you know that there are those defining moments in life when you realize who your real friends are and who are not your real friends. I learned one of those hard lessons when Faith was first diagnosed in August of 2007. But I just learned the other lesson. On our way home from Alabama we received a call from a friend letting us know there was no need to stop at the grocery store. Three amazing women that I have grown to love and cherish had gone into our home, CLEANED our fridge and stocked it full of all the essentials. And if that wasn't enough, they had left behind three homemade frozen meals for us. If this wasn't just the best thing ever, they also had to leave a package of cookies. Good cookies. The kind I do not normally buy. Priceless.
Words can not describe the feeling of joy and gratitude for knowing who are friends are. Life is too short to worry about who isn't so I'm thankful that we know who is.

So... hopefully we'll be back to it all soon. I attempted to get Caleb to basketball practice last night only to be an hour late due to completely forgetting the set practice time. But we did make it to dance tonight! Score! We'll get there. And so will Bonnie. One day at a time. With our friends by our sides. And with her friends, family and all the prayers at her side.