Here it is only February and the year is already crazy. I guess calm just isn't part of our world. Whatever. We deal with it.
So... on Wednesday, January 23rd, my dad had a doctors appointment that landed him in the ER. He wasn't well. He hadn't been well. We all knew this but no one knew to what extent. Not even him.
Long story shorter, I decided I needed to get to Kansas City and got on a plane Saturday morning. As I landed in KC, I learned that my dad was on a ventilator, unable to breathe on his own.
Terrifying.
I think the most terrifying part was knowing he was alone. Just not something you want for someone you love.
Or someone you hate.
A dear friend of mine picked me up at the airport and whisked me away to the hospital. Thank God she was with me because I wasn't quite prepared for what I saw.
It was my dad in a way I never envisioned. Lifeless, breathing with each push of the machine, not moving. Such an odd sight and a horrifying realization that he may never piss me off again. I wanted him to sit up and say something to piss me off. But he didn't.
I spent the next three days at his side. I had a crossword puzzle but usually got lost in the motion of the machine making him breathe. And waiting to see what he could do (or couldn't do) on his own. With each trial of removing the ventilator, it was obvious he was not able to breathe without these tubes. And each doctor that entered the room seemed to paint such a dismal situation. And with each passing hour, I knew that this was not what he would want.
His brothers and sisters, my sister and I all discussed and knew what needed to be done. I made arrangements with Hospice and got the information on who to call once that last breath was taken. I made many phone calls to many different people letting them know the situation.
Many tears were shed.
Wednesday morning we were all to gather at the hospital. I arrived extra early, like I had been doing. He was awake and semi alert. They sedations had been minimized in order to increase his chances of being able to breath on his own. He followed me with his eyes.
I asked him if he wanted the tubes out, he nodded his head yes. I asked him if he knew he may not be able to breathe without them, he nodded his head yes.
Then something peculiar happened.
He made a gun with his pointer finger and his thumb. Since his arms were restrained (common for patients on vents), he leaned a bit to the side with his "gun" aimed at his chin. I was horrified but asked him if he wanted a gun. His eyes looked deep into mine and he made his gun again and did this motion yet again. And again. And again.
I was devastated at what he was asking but also felt he knew this was the end.
Then I looked at him again and saw frustration on his face. And then it hit me.
"Daddy. Do you have an itch?"
Yes. That's it. An itch on his chin. Of course. The man isn't asking for a gun, his asking for someone to scratch his beard we've told him needed trimmed for years.
I scratched his beard, laughed and slowly realized this outcome might not be what we are all thinking.
Fast forward three hours.
My dad was tube free, breathing on his own, sitting up, watching the History channel and asking if the nurse would scratch his ass and angry we weren't bringing him a diet coke.
And he had already managed to piss me off.
Hospice backed off and the transplant team that was on hold for his eyes were notified. He later apologized for this in his smart alleck way.
It's been almost two weeks since we unplugged my dad. He's now in a rehab facility with a good chance of returning to his apartment or perhaps an assisted care situation. Regardless, he's not dead.
He is sick and does have a long road ahead of him. He has several lung ailments on top of his Congestive Heart Failure. But that was not his time to go.
I'm hopeful he will eventually be able to make a trip down to our new home and see where we have settled ourselves. He would love it here. The peace and quiet, the country, the animals and the closeness to the ocean would all make him quite happy. Hopefully he'll be here soon to see everything. For now, he needs to get stronger.
I ask him how he is feeling and he says "Pretty good for a dead guy."
And he also reassured me that I should not make a career out of caring for terminally ill patients and that I suck at charades. Doctors has said he wouldn't remember a lot but of course he remember this. That's ok.
He doesn't remember me cutting his moustache or nose hairs. Touche' old man.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I stink at blogging....
I really am going to give this a better attempt this year. There are a lot of people who fuss at me for not keeping this up. Shut up, already. Been a little busy.
2012 was not the best of years and I can honestly say I'm not horribly sad that it's over. We are ready for a new start. Might as well be, we can't have any more of a new start than this.
If you haven't heard, we've moved. After being in KC for 10 years, an opportunity was presented back south and we decided it was time to pack up and head home. Home for Jamie, close to home for me. There are pine trees and pine cones here so it feels right. The palm trees keep throwing me off a bit but I sure love seeing the signs for the beaches!
Leaving KC was one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. I had made some amazing friends there and was so sad to leave them behind. I know we'll always be friends but being able to go have a quick lunch, a cup of coffee, a glass or wine or even go hunting for Chupacabra on a whim will never happen again.
But it was time to move on.
A lot of amazing memories were made in KC. And a lot of life lessons were had. I learned a lot about myself as a person and a mother. I learned how far I could be pushed and how little I was willing to take when my children's safety was at stake. I learned how much I could care about another person and I learned that family isn't always bonded by blood but rather by life, places and time.
So here we are, back south. Boiled peanuts, sweet tea, pine needles and gorgeous sunsets.
We have settled into Jamie's parents old home. His father remarried in November and moved about 20 minutes away (closer to the beach!). Rather than just any old joe moving into this house, we have decided to purchase it and make it our home. I feel that Bonnie would be okay with this. I know how much she loved this house and this land. She'll enjoy watching her grandbabies run around her house creating new memories.
Faith and Caleb have both started school and are doing quite well. Faith is at the Kindergarten center which has all kindergarten for the entire town. Beautiful, brand new school with top notch everything. It's really wonderful! She goes from 8:00 until 3:00. Things here start an hour earlier. I guess everyone gets up when the rooster does. Still adjusting to that.
Caleb has the same hours so I drop him in the morning and rush to the opposite side of town to drop Faith. Then at pick up, I grab Faith and reverse my path from morning. Yes, there is a bus that rolls right by our house but even though our zip code changed, I can't totally let go off my insecurities. I need to SEE my children walk into the school and I need to have them with me at the end of the day.
Caleb has been quite popular, being the new boy and all. Has already had a couple of sleepovers and many phone calls. I hear him chatting with his KC buds on XBox and makes me so thankful for modern technology. He's just growing his collection of friends and I'm so proud of him for making good choices along that path.
Jamie is working at Ft Rucker. He is actually working at the Safety Center. I have no idea what this involves or even means. He is still a systems engineer and no longer works with classified information so I really have no reason why I still don't know what my husband does. I'm sure I would be enthralled by that conversation shall it ever happen.
Ashley will be 2 on the 19th of January. Two. So hard to believe. She is such a funny, sweet, sensitive little girl. She prefers ruffles and purses to anything dirty. And she loves any kind of animal just like her brother and sister.
I am so lucky to still be home with these kiddos. Of course, its just Ashley and I from 8-3 but that is fun too! I feel like I had that with the other two so only fair I have it with her too.
So we're adjusting. We know this move was the best thing ever and we are so excited to be back in the south. But as you get older, change is harder. But change is also good. It just needs time to grow on you.
It's starting to grow on me.
2012 was not the best of years and I can honestly say I'm not horribly sad that it's over. We are ready for a new start. Might as well be, we can't have any more of a new start than this.
If you haven't heard, we've moved. After being in KC for 10 years, an opportunity was presented back south and we decided it was time to pack up and head home. Home for Jamie, close to home for me. There are pine trees and pine cones here so it feels right. The palm trees keep throwing me off a bit but I sure love seeing the signs for the beaches!
Leaving KC was one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. I had made some amazing friends there and was so sad to leave them behind. I know we'll always be friends but being able to go have a quick lunch, a cup of coffee, a glass or wine or even go hunting for Chupacabra on a whim will never happen again.
But it was time to move on.
A lot of amazing memories were made in KC. And a lot of life lessons were had. I learned a lot about myself as a person and a mother. I learned how far I could be pushed and how little I was willing to take when my children's safety was at stake. I learned how much I could care about another person and I learned that family isn't always bonded by blood but rather by life, places and time.
So here we are, back south. Boiled peanuts, sweet tea, pine needles and gorgeous sunsets.
We have settled into Jamie's parents old home. His father remarried in November and moved about 20 minutes away (closer to the beach!). Rather than just any old joe moving into this house, we have decided to purchase it and make it our home. I feel that Bonnie would be okay with this. I know how much she loved this house and this land. She'll enjoy watching her grandbabies run around her house creating new memories.
Faith and Caleb have both started school and are doing quite well. Faith is at the Kindergarten center which has all kindergarten for the entire town. Beautiful, brand new school with top notch everything. It's really wonderful! She goes from 8:00 until 3:00. Things here start an hour earlier. I guess everyone gets up when the rooster does. Still adjusting to that.
Caleb has the same hours so I drop him in the morning and rush to the opposite side of town to drop Faith. Then at pick up, I grab Faith and reverse my path from morning. Yes, there is a bus that rolls right by our house but even though our zip code changed, I can't totally let go off my insecurities. I need to SEE my children walk into the school and I need to have them with me at the end of the day.
Caleb has been quite popular, being the new boy and all. Has already had a couple of sleepovers and many phone calls. I hear him chatting with his KC buds on XBox and makes me so thankful for modern technology. He's just growing his collection of friends and I'm so proud of him for making good choices along that path.
Jamie is working at Ft Rucker. He is actually working at the Safety Center. I have no idea what this involves or even means. He is still a systems engineer and no longer works with classified information so I really have no reason why I still don't know what my husband does. I'm sure I would be enthralled by that conversation shall it ever happen.
Ashley will be 2 on the 19th of January. Two. So hard to believe. She is such a funny, sweet, sensitive little girl. She prefers ruffles and purses to anything dirty. And she loves any kind of animal just like her brother and sister.
I am so lucky to still be home with these kiddos. Of course, its just Ashley and I from 8-3 but that is fun too! I feel like I had that with the other two so only fair I have it with her too.
So we're adjusting. We know this move was the best thing ever and we are so excited to be back in the south. But as you get older, change is harder. But change is also good. It just needs time to grow on you.
It's starting to grow on me.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Faith starts Kindergarten
Five years ago this month, we were told that our little baby had a congenital heart defect and that she would need surgery immediately to ensure her survival. We were told the prognosis was unknown. We were told that it was a very rare condition. We were told all sorts of horrifying things that parents of a 4 month old baby don't want to be told.
We prepared for her first heart catherization and we prayed. A lot.
Fast forward 5 years and here we are. With this baby. Sending her off to Kindergarten.
Talk about picking out the perfect name for your kid. We hit the nail on the head with this one.
So, I've cried a lot this week. Most people see me bawling and probably think I'm a crazy mom who just wants to shelter her kids and not let them venture into the world. I am. But I am also a mom who is crazy happy that this child is able to venture out into the world. I'm crying because I'm happy. They are mainly happy tears. Tears for what I know this child will accomplish and tears for what I know lies ahead of her. And I see nothing but wonderful things for her.
For all my children. They are all miracles, aren't they?
Caleb is two days in and loving it. (fingers and toes crossed things stay that way!) And Faith is asking me when she can go full day and eat lunch at school. No tears from my kids.
Now it's just Ashley and I from 8:50 until 11:50. Three full hours of just one kid. Jamie pointed out all the things I might be able to accomplish during that time. Yep. I see lots of storytimes, park play, building and discovering in our future. I'm excited and so blessed to have one on one time with Ashley now. All my kids have had this and I'm so happy that its worked out this way! So thankful.
It's been an emotional week. I'm now the mom of a Middle Schooler preteen, a Kindergartner and a toddler. But the best part is that I'm THEIR mom. And they are MY kids.
Life really is precious and it really is amazing.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Ashley is 18 months
I have no idea how that happened. Seriously. Just yesterday I found out that we were going to have a third baby and was completely dumbfounded and deliriously happy.
Now she is a walking, talking, singing, climbing, jumping, running happy littlebaby girl.
We had her 18 month appointment today and she is such a healthy one. By healthy, of course, I mean huge. She weighed in at 28 lbs 4 ounces and 33 1/4" tall. Well, I guess she isn't as huge as she once was. She is on the charts which is not at all what I'm accustomed to with her big bro and sis.
The nurse gave her one shot today. I gave Ashley a big bear hug while the nurse sneaked in and gave her the shot very quickly. Ash let out an enormous scream and then said "OH NO! Boo boo" and then the nurse covered the area with a band-aid and Ash said "Thank you."
It was so sad and so sweet. Of course I got teary like I always do when my kiddos are given shots. But she sure made me laugh. She makes us all laugh!
She has a nasty summer cold and has been sneezing, coughing and dealing with watery eyes all day. Poor baby. She sneezed earlier this afternoon and ran to the laundry room. I followed her but she was coming out by the time I got there. Later, she did this again. It was then that I realized she was wiping her snotty nose on the dirty clothes in the laundry room. Genius.
Happy 18th months, Ashley Marie. We love you, you smart little girl. But you'll always be my baby.
Now she is a walking, talking, singing, climbing, jumping, running happy little
We had her 18 month appointment today and she is such a healthy one. By healthy, of course, I mean huge. She weighed in at 28 lbs 4 ounces and 33 1/4" tall. Well, I guess she isn't as huge as she once was. She is on the charts which is not at all what I'm accustomed to with her big bro and sis.
The nurse gave her one shot today. I gave Ashley a big bear hug while the nurse sneaked in and gave her the shot very quickly. Ash let out an enormous scream and then said "OH NO! Boo boo" and then the nurse covered the area with a band-aid and Ash said "Thank you."
It was so sad and so sweet. Of course I got teary like I always do when my kiddos are given shots. But she sure made me laugh. She makes us all laugh!
She has a nasty summer cold and has been sneezing, coughing and dealing with watery eyes all day. Poor baby. She sneezed earlier this afternoon and ran to the laundry room. I followed her but she was coming out by the time I got there. Later, she did this again. It was then that I realized she was wiping her snotty nose on the dirty clothes in the laundry room. Genius.
Happy 18th months, Ashley Marie. We love you, you smart little girl. But you'll always be my baby.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Blogging isn't working
Alright... I tried to come back and blog like I used to and keep everyone up to date on our family. It isn't working.
Having three kids sucks so much energy out of me and what energy is left, is spent on trying to remember what I was planning on doing next. And chances are, I will only remember what I was going to do next just after I finally lay down for the night only delaying that much needed sleep even more.
Some people call it pregnancy brain but what do we call it when there is no longer a life form growing in your belly but rather in your home?
So... a quick update.
Summer has been a ton of fun so far.
Jamie, Caleb, Pops and Colin all took an 8 day trip to Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, Mt Rushmore and a million other places along the way. They made some amazing memories and saw some places that some people never see in a lifetime.
The girls and I stayed home so that they could make this trip with less bathroom breaks, whining, screaming and tantrums.
And I wasn't sure how the girls would handle it either.
Caleb then set off for a 10 day excursion to Boy Scout camp. That was hard. I mean, really hard. I dropped him off at 8am on a Monday morning with a large group of boys with some adult leaders. We saw him again 7 days later for Visitors day at camp. He did great and had a ball. I struggled every second he was gone. Mother's aren't supposed to just turn their children free like that. I missed him terribly.
And then he came home and within 24 hours I was looking at the calendar trying to determine when the next camping trip was. I think the next one will be easier. Or maybe not....
Faith has done a LOT of swimming this summer. A LOT. This girl is like a fish. Well, a mermaid, according to her. She's tall enough to go down the ginormous slides at our community pool this year. This girl, the one with the heart condition, lugs an inner tube up three flights of stairs all the way to the top of the slide, slides down and lugs that tube right back up. Smiling all the way.
She sure knows how to enjoy life!
Ashley is a little fish too. But she has some crazy in her as well. Well, they all do. But her crazy is peeking through earlier than Caleb and Faith's did. She still likes to be right ON me so being at the pool has been rather easy this year. I'm sure next year will be different.
Ashley will be 18 months on the 19th. THAT's CRAZY! Eighteen months.
She walks, runs, JUMPS, slides down the stairs (that's fun to watch!), climbs on everything, sings "Rock a Bye Baby" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider", loves to read books, loves to empty all my cabinets, loves to scream, and loves LOVES to tease her sister.
She has a ton of words too. Mommy, daddy, Shoe (sounds like Ssssssss, but it still counts!), please, thank you, go, get, bad dog (glad that wasn't damn dog!), good dog, night night, Bubba, Bust (assuming this is for Buster the bad dog), side, and several more I know I'm missing. She babbles constantly! I love her sweet little voice.
She is a good baby.
Now we are six weeks away from school starting. Caleb starts middle school on August 22nd and Faith starts Kindergarten on the 23rd. Not sure what I'm going to do. How is my little girl starting Kindergarten?? How is my BABY starting middle school??
Jamie and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage on the 11th. I remember our wedding day like it was yesterday. I can honestly say that I don't love him like I did on that day though. While I loved him then, things have definitely changed. We have grown up, gotten older and wiser. And we now have three children. Growing with him, having babies with him, learning this parenting thing with him, I can without a doubt say that I do love him so much more 14 years later than I did on that day. I didn't know that would be possible. But when you see the man you love hold your first child together, play horsey with all three kids on back, be a parent.... something changes. That love grows. And my love for him did grow. And its still growing. I can't wait to see what the next 14 years brings. I'm excited about our next chapter of life. I'm so happy that fate worked the way it did and he and I ended up together.
So that is it for now. A little update. I'm not going to say I'll do better because I probably won't. But we're all here and we're doing great. Life is amazing. We miss those who aren't with us but know that they are watching over us.
For those who remember the story about Janie coming to pray with us before Faith's 1st heart cath, you'll like this. Faith had some issues earlier in the week (all is fine now) and we ended up in the ER. Faith was scared and not well. The nurse came in to take some blood and help get her situated. She introduced herself. I wasn't sure I heard her correctly so I took a peek at her name tag. Sure enough... Mimi. Faith had the biggest grin on her face at that point. So Mimi got us through the first few hours of that visit and I knew things would be okay. And they were okay. Everything is just great.
Life is good.
Having three kids sucks so much energy out of me and what energy is left, is spent on trying to remember what I was planning on doing next. And chances are, I will only remember what I was going to do next just after I finally lay down for the night only delaying that much needed sleep even more.
Some people call it pregnancy brain but what do we call it when there is no longer a life form growing in your belly but rather in your home?
So... a quick update.
Summer has been a ton of fun so far.
Jamie, Caleb, Pops and Colin all took an 8 day trip to Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, Mt Rushmore and a million other places along the way. They made some amazing memories and saw some places that some people never see in a lifetime.
The girls and I stayed home so that they could make this trip with less bathroom breaks, whining, screaming and tantrums.
And I wasn't sure how the girls would handle it either.
Caleb then set off for a 10 day excursion to Boy Scout camp. That was hard. I mean, really hard. I dropped him off at 8am on a Monday morning with a large group of boys with some adult leaders. We saw him again 7 days later for Visitors day at camp. He did great and had a ball. I struggled every second he was gone. Mother's aren't supposed to just turn their children free like that. I missed him terribly.
And then he came home and within 24 hours I was looking at the calendar trying to determine when the next camping trip was. I think the next one will be easier. Or maybe not....
Faith has done a LOT of swimming this summer. A LOT. This girl is like a fish. Well, a mermaid, according to her. She's tall enough to go down the ginormous slides at our community pool this year. This girl, the one with the heart condition, lugs an inner tube up three flights of stairs all the way to the top of the slide, slides down and lugs that tube right back up. Smiling all the way.
She sure knows how to enjoy life!
Ashley is a little fish too. But she has some crazy in her as well. Well, they all do. But her crazy is peeking through earlier than Caleb and Faith's did. She still likes to be right ON me so being at the pool has been rather easy this year. I'm sure next year will be different.
Ashley will be 18 months on the 19th. THAT's CRAZY! Eighteen months.
She walks, runs, JUMPS, slides down the stairs (that's fun to watch!), climbs on everything, sings "Rock a Bye Baby" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider", loves to read books, loves to empty all my cabinets, loves to scream, and loves LOVES to tease her sister.
She has a ton of words too. Mommy, daddy, Shoe (sounds like Ssssssss, but it still counts!), please, thank you, go, get, bad dog (glad that wasn't damn dog!), good dog, night night, Bubba, Bust (assuming this is for Buster the bad dog), side, and several more I know I'm missing. She babbles constantly! I love her sweet little voice.
She is a good baby.
Now we are six weeks away from school starting. Caleb starts middle school on August 22nd and Faith starts Kindergarten on the 23rd. Not sure what I'm going to do. How is my little girl starting Kindergarten?? How is my BABY starting middle school??
Jamie and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage on the 11th. I remember our wedding day like it was yesterday. I can honestly say that I don't love him like I did on that day though. While I loved him then, things have definitely changed. We have grown up, gotten older and wiser. And we now have three children. Growing with him, having babies with him, learning this parenting thing with him, I can without a doubt say that I do love him so much more 14 years later than I did on that day. I didn't know that would be possible. But when you see the man you love hold your first child together, play horsey with all three kids on back, be a parent.... something changes. That love grows. And my love for him did grow. And its still growing. I can't wait to see what the next 14 years brings. I'm excited about our next chapter of life. I'm so happy that fate worked the way it did and he and I ended up together.
So that is it for now. A little update. I'm not going to say I'll do better because I probably won't. But we're all here and we're doing great. Life is amazing. We miss those who aren't with us but know that they are watching over us.
For those who remember the story about Janie coming to pray with us before Faith's 1st heart cath, you'll like this. Faith had some issues earlier in the week (all is fine now) and we ended up in the ER. Faith was scared and not well. The nurse came in to take some blood and help get her situated. She introduced herself. I wasn't sure I heard her correctly so I took a peek at her name tag. Sure enough... Mimi. Faith had the biggest grin on her face at that point. So Mimi got us through the first few hours of that visit and I knew things would be okay. And they were okay. Everything is just great.
Life is good.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Faith is five
Four days ago our baby girl turned 5. A whole hand. She thinks she is pretty big now and gets quite upset if we refer to her as a four year old. She is full or attitude and sass. Hard to believe that its been five year since this miracle entered our lives. I remember being pregnant with her and after such a long wait and so many fertility issues, it all seemed so surreal. I would sit and just stare at my pregnant belly at my desk while at work. I would often sit as still as I could so I could feel every movement. I relished every single thing of the life growing inside. And now she is five.
I also remember when we first learned of her heart condition and the terror we felt. I remember the uncertainty in the doctors words and the fear we felt with every second of every day.
And now she is five.
And she is a normal five year old. She runs and plays and jumps and skips and rides bikes and laughs and cries and whines and fights with her older brother and argues with her parents and throws a little attitude around in most every thing she does. She's normal.
And she's amazing.
I'm so thankful she is our daughter.
I also remember when we first learned of her heart condition and the terror we felt. I remember the uncertainty in the doctors words and the fear we felt with every second of every day.
And now she is five.
And she is a normal five year old. She runs and plays and jumps and skips and rides bikes and laughs and cries and whines and fights with her older brother and argues with her parents and throws a little attitude around in most every thing she does. She's normal.
And she's amazing.
I'm so thankful she is our daughter.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Moving on with life
I have attempted numerous times to update the blog but its just been too hard lately. I remember when I first started this new blog and Bonnie calling to tell me how happy she was that I was doing this again. And then she read every single entry I made. She told me on one of her and Jim's trips while in Houston, she laid in the back seat to be comfortable and read the entries aloud to Jim and they both laughed.
While it made me feel so great to know how much she enjoyed reading about our little family and her precious grand babies, it saddens me so much to know I no longer have her checking my blog.
Bonnie Marie Schmittendorf lost her battle to Leukemia on March 1, 2012. After 14 months of being sick, of being poked and prodded, of numerous doctors, blood vials, platelets, blood transfusions, lengthy hospital stays, pain, discomfort and even a stem cell transplant, of fighting a fight that only she could fight, Bonnie is no longer dealing with any of these incredibly unfair things. And while I am overjoyed that she is now pain free, the void of not having her with us on this Earth will never ever be filled.
I remember when I first met Bonnie. I can't remember the month but it was summer of 1997. Jamie brought me home to Arkansas to meet his family and attend his fathers retirement ceremony. She never made me feel like a stranger. She welcomed me into her home that day and every day after for the next 15 years. I remember her telling me how sad she thought it was that I lost my mom at such a young age. I know that is why she stepped up and played the role of "mom" for our wedding that next Summer. She helped in so many ways and had a huge influence on all of our decisions. Just as a mom should.
She stepped up in many situations over the years. And she influenced many decisions in our lives. She was always there when we needed her and she always went above and beyond. She was more than a mother in law to me. And I am so incredibly grateful I was given the opportunity to have her in my life.
We are moving on with life, just as Bonnie would want. Faith and Caleb are deeply saddened by the loss of their grandmother and are all too aware that they now have no living grandmothers. My incredibly smart and thoughtful son was the one who asked me if I thought my mom would be there to greet Bonnie. I'm sure my mom and Bonnie will have a lot to talk about. And I'm sure my mom will embrace Bonnie and thank her for taking such good care of me and her grandchildren.
There is no way to ease the pain. Time will make it better. But its such a hard fact to grasp and understand that we will never be able to have her with us again.
We will miss Bonnie. And she will always be our children's Mimi. And Ashley will always have Bonnie's name to carry on with her. And we will all have our memories to hold close to our hearts and to share with those less fortunate to not be able to know Bonnie.
We will move on with our lives. Our moms would tell us to do so. Bonnie did. I remember in January, she took Jamie's hand and told him its okay to be sad but not to be overcome with grief. She said grief could take over a person and she wanted everyone to be happy. She told him it was okay to be sad for a little bit but to move on. She told us all that it would be okay. And it will be.
But it will never be the same again.
While it made me feel so great to know how much she enjoyed reading about our little family and her precious grand babies, it saddens me so much to know I no longer have her checking my blog.
Bonnie Marie Schmittendorf lost her battle to Leukemia on March 1, 2012. After 14 months of being sick, of being poked and prodded, of numerous doctors, blood vials, platelets, blood transfusions, lengthy hospital stays, pain, discomfort and even a stem cell transplant, of fighting a fight that only she could fight, Bonnie is no longer dealing with any of these incredibly unfair things. And while I am overjoyed that she is now pain free, the void of not having her with us on this Earth will never ever be filled.
I remember when I first met Bonnie. I can't remember the month but it was summer of 1997. Jamie brought me home to Arkansas to meet his family and attend his fathers retirement ceremony. She never made me feel like a stranger. She welcomed me into her home that day and every day after for the next 15 years. I remember her telling me how sad she thought it was that I lost my mom at such a young age. I know that is why she stepped up and played the role of "mom" for our wedding that next Summer. She helped in so many ways and had a huge influence on all of our decisions. Just as a mom should.
She stepped up in many situations over the years. And she influenced many decisions in our lives. She was always there when we needed her and she always went above and beyond. She was more than a mother in law to me. And I am so incredibly grateful I was given the opportunity to have her in my life.
We are moving on with life, just as Bonnie would want. Faith and Caleb are deeply saddened by the loss of their grandmother and are all too aware that they now have no living grandmothers. My incredibly smart and thoughtful son was the one who asked me if I thought my mom would be there to greet Bonnie. I'm sure my mom and Bonnie will have a lot to talk about. And I'm sure my mom will embrace Bonnie and thank her for taking such good care of me and her grandchildren.
There is no way to ease the pain. Time will make it better. But its such a hard fact to grasp and understand that we will never be able to have her with us again.
We will miss Bonnie. And she will always be our children's Mimi. And Ashley will always have Bonnie's name to carry on with her. And we will all have our memories to hold close to our hearts and to share with those less fortunate to not be able to know Bonnie.
We will move on with our lives. Our moms would tell us to do so. Bonnie did. I remember in January, she took Jamie's hand and told him its okay to be sad but not to be overcome with grief. She said grief could take over a person and she wanted everyone to be happy. She told him it was okay to be sad for a little bit but to move on. She told us all that it would be okay. And it will be.
But it will never be the same again.
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